To have and to hold

In March of 1999 I was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school.  One day I was taking a note to the Nurse's office with a classmate during class.  The hallways were empty as classes were in session.  Then, around the corner came this guy.  Not just any guy-THE guy.  The guy that would change my life.

In June of 2002 I had just turned 19 years old the month before and was a bride on my wedding day.  Three years after I met that guy walking down the hallway, there I was walking down the aisle to become his wife.

 It is now December of 2014 and I am 31 years old and a stay at home mom.  I am also very happily married to that boy I met so many years ago.

Through all of these years we have gone through all the same things any married couple goes through-there are ups and downs, trials, triumphs, and I'm sure I probably annoy him more times than I'd like to admit some times!  At the end of the day, we're a family.  Matt and I often have conversations about our relationship.  I really think that this is a good thing for anyone in a relationship to do.  Before you roll your eyes-it's really not a "hey, let's sit and talk about us" type of thing..it's just something that happens and it's not all of the time but often enough that we are able to check in with each other and see how we are doing.  Often these talks happen on spring and summer nights when we are sitting outside together, or when a big life event happens, be it good or bad-like going through medical issues or a birthday or celebration for our kids. We reminisce about how far we have come as a couple and as a family.  We talk about times where we could have made better decisions or behaved better.  We talk about those moments with our kids that may seem like every day little things but are really the most important.  I believe that it is through these spontaneous talks that we grow so much and we grow together.  I tell him all the time that we are so fortunate.  

When Matt and I got married we were so young. I had an idea in my head of how I wanted things to be and how I hoped things would be.  For the first six years of our marriage we went through discovering what kind of marriage we wanted, what kind of life we wanted, and what kind of parents we wanted to be.  We also went through all the growing pains and joys that accompany all of that.  We grew up.  For those six years of marriage and the three years of dating before that, I had been the one to take care of Matt with his Epilepsy.  I will never forget the first time he had a seizure in front of me.  He had not told me that he was living with Epilepsy and we were very newly dating.  When it happened his mother explained to me what was going on.  I was young and I will admit that I was afraid because I didn't know what it was.  I wasn't afraid of him, I was just afraid for him because I didn't want anything bad to ever happen to him or for him to ever be hurt.  When we spoke after he recovered the first thing he asked me was if I was going to break up with him now.  My answer was an emphatic "NO." I would never do that and it made me sad that somewhere along the line something must have happened in his life to make him worry that this could even be a possibility. I didn't understand then how or why he would think that, and it wouldn't be until many years later that I finally would.  I only wish he had told me first just so I would have been prepared if we had happened to be alone or out somewhere but thankfully his mom was there when it happened. I understand why he didn't tell me though, and I know he would have told me when he was ready if it hadn't have happened in front of me first. While we were dating his Epilepsy caused him to break his nose, his elbow, bite his tongue, and a million other injuries along the way. Since being married even more things have happened to him. He isn't able to drive and many times people aren't aware of the affects Epilepsy can have on your memory, not to mention how it affects sleeping habits and the amount of medication that has to be taken. If I could have taken it away from him I would have done it in a heartbeat-I still would.  Through all of this, what Matt living with Epilepsy has shown me is just how strong he is.  He inspires me every single day.  The point that I am making with all of this is that when we got married I knew Matt lived with Epilepsy and I also knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as his shoulder to lean on, his sounding board, his care taker when in need, his advocate, his best friend-I wanted to love him-all of him-with my whole heart for my whole life.  I knew that he would take care of me as well, I never doubted that, but I had no idea just how much he would have to take care of me...

 Though I had been experiencing symptoms for a couple years prior, in the summer of 2008 I was officially diagnosed with Hidradenitis Supperativa, a painful skin condition that currently has little research and no cure.  To learn more about HS, you can read my posts on the condition by clicking these links: Part One , Part Two    and Poem.  When my symptoms started they were mild and I avoided going to the doctor right away.  When I did finally go, my doctor told me it was "no big deal".  It wasn't until I developed a huge lump that was so painful I ended up in the Emergency Room and had to go home with a tube in my arm, that I switched to a new doctor in the office (purely by chance-my regular doctor was not in the office that day) and I was officially diagnosed.  Matt had actually been researching my symptoms and thought that I might have HS and printed out the information for me to take to my doctor that day, I had the papers in my hand ready to give to the doctor when he diagnosed me.  While it was great to finally have a doctor that knew what was going on, it was a sad day as well because that meant everything I had read about the disease was now not just some rare disease from the internet that I was scared that I might have-it was something that I truly had.  Let me just say that when you find out you have a disease and you start researching it-reading over and over again "no known cure" isn't exactly the most comforting thing.  As these last 6 years have gone by my HS has gotten worse.  It seems the more time progresses, the more the HS progresses.  Now I am affected in 10 parts of my body with tunneling, open wounds that never heal, and scars..more than I could even count.  When I received my official diagnosis I finally understood that conversation Matt and I had so many years ago when he asked me if I was going to break up with him after I saw him have a seizure for the first time.  I understood because I felt the same way.  I was convinced that he wouldn't want to deal with this often times disgusting disease.  I felt damaged.  As the years and disease have progressed I still have those thoughts.  How could he love me, why would he even want to, he didn't sign up for this, I'm broken.  Yet-despite all these destructive thoughts in my own mind, Matt has never once, not ever, made me feel anything less than beautiful.  He has bandaged my wounds more times than I could count, he has stayed by my side when I am in so much pain that all I can do is cry.  He has become just what I thought I would be for him, my shoulder to lean on, my sounding board, my care taker when in need, my advocate, my best friend-he loves me-all of me-with his whole heart for his whole life.  Interestingly enough, both of our awareness colors are purple-which just happens to be my favorite color (dare I say more of an obsession).  Years ago, I became an Ambassador of Purple to spread awareness and understanding for Epilepsy.  While there is not currently an organization like that for HS (maybe I should start one)-I consider Matt an Ambassador of Purple as well-for me.  He has researched, talked to my doctors, joined communities-he's done everything he can think of to make my life with HS better.

When Matt and I said our vows on our wedding day part of those vows were, "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" I had no idea then just how significant that was going to be for us.  I knew that I would always take care of him, love him, have him and hold him, no matter what-I guess I just never gave much thought to anything ever happening to me.  I definitely didn't even know that HS existed and couldn't have imagined that I would end up with a disease that is so painful, scaring, disfiguring, and often times embarrassing.  I think most people in relationships remember how at the beginning of the relationship you do your best to look your best and generally not embarrass yourself as much as possible.  It seems so funny to me now to think back to that time in my relationship with Matt.  It makes me laugh that there used to be a time that I never would have shown up to see him with no make up on..the thought of ever doing any type of embarrassing bodily function in front of him would have probably made me faint. It's comical now considering everything we've been through and everything we've both seen.  I guess the moral of that little story is that he loved me when I was putting my best foot forward in the beginning, and he loves me still and probably loves me even more now even when I'm being completely annoying or when he helps with my HS which can be, let's just say, less than flattering.  

Often times in life the things that are the hardest teach us the most.  Due to everything we've been through Matt and I learned at a young age that time is precious.  We didn't have to wait until we were old to look back at our lives as husband and wife and Mom and Dad and think "I wish I would have valued my partner and kids more." We will never have to say that because we learned early on how precious time is, how precious life is, how precious moments are.  Though I have many favorite memories of our family, one that sticks out in my mind, and one that I think of often is our 10 year wedding anniversary.  We didn't have a big fancy wedding and we don't have the money now to go on a honeymoon or have an anniversary party..and that's ok.  How did we spend our 10 year wedding anniversary? We spent it at our oldest son's baseball game and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  The best part of that day was that for weeks I had planned to take the family back to the place that Matt and I were married after our son's baseball game that day.  I wanted to take our kids there and show them that no matter what-we're a team-we're a family-always.  I didn't tell anyone that I was planning to do that, I wanted to surprise my husband.  So, after the game I started to drive in the opposite direction of home.  We got to the place where we got married and we got out of the car and walked to a gazebo that they had recently built on the property.  That is when my husband pulled out a piece of paper and gave it to our son.  Our son began to read a vow renewal ceremony.  In those weeks that I had been planning to take us to that spot on our anniversary my husband had been planning and even practiced with our oldest son a vow renewal ceremony and kept it a secret!  It makes me cry now even recalling that day.  We stood there in front of our two sons, with our oldest son officiating the ceremony.  We renewed the vows we had made 10 years ago and then embraced our sons and made vows to them that we would always be a family.  My son Matthew took this picture of us afterwards:

I also believe that because of all these things we've been through together, we are better parents.  Matt has never let his Epilepsy keep him from being the best dad to his sons.  He is not able to drive because of his Epilepsy but he has always found a way to make it to their games or events.  Matt could easily say that it's just too hard to find a ride or to do this or do that..but he doesn't..he has walked miles and miles when he had to(well, he didn't HAVE to, he could have just not gone-but he WANTED to)just to see them play.

It is Matt's determination that has given me the strength to do the same.  My HS will never keep me from enjoying my kids, cheering them on, supporting them. I have attended their games with my arm in a sling, I have walked with tears streaming down my face to get to my seat at their baseball games, I have sat through unimaginable pain to watch their plays at school or to see them in a spelling bee or giving a speech.  You can't get those moments back and nothing is worth missing them..nothing.

I have a few reasons that I wanted to write this post.  I have recently had a lot of time to think about well-everything.  I have had a lot of time and opportunity to observe, think, examine, and process things.  Often times a lot of things that go along with diseases or conditions get ignored because you can't see them.  You are able to see the seizure but when the person is not actively having a seizure that doesn't mean they aren't dealing with quite a bit of physical and psychological effects of Epilepsy. The same is said for HS, a lot of times people who live with HS cover their affected areas.  I have 10 areas that are affected so covering them up isn't always an option.  Many people living with HS have inspired me to work more towards being brave and not feeling like I have to always cover my HS-like in the summer when I really want to wear a tank top.  So, while some times you may see the HS with your eyes, a lot of the time unless you are the trusted friend, lover, or caregiver of a person with HS-you could look at someone and never know the physical as well as psychological things they go through.  There is stress, depression, anger, fear, and many more.  If you add the physical and psychological symptoms of HS, for me that manifests in many ways and one of those ways is lack of sleep. So, while I am no stranger to sleepless nights, it hasn't been the HS causing it lately.  In October I decided to help my husband and let him relax while I cut the grass.  He already does so much for me and if I can do something to help him then I am going to do it.  He told me not to, but I didn't listen.  Not only didn't I listen but when I got out there and had trouble with the mower I didn't stop what I was doing and go ask him for help..nope, not me-I just kept on keeping on out in the yard. He does so much for me and I didn't want to ask for help, I wanted him to relax and not worry about me. When it got too dark for me to continue I finally came inside.  I knew my arm was sore but I figured it was just from working so hard.  The next day my arm was even more sore but it just felt like minor muscle pain.  It wasn't until a week later that I slipped and fell landing on that same arm that this nightmare began.  I don't know if it was the week that had passed or the fall that ignited the pain but the next day it began.  I have been in extreme pain from that day on.  It is now December and I haven't slept in my bed since October.  It is too painful.  I have been to the doctor and it's not getting better which means more doctors, which means more money spent on me..which I hate. During all of this time I have of course had my ever present HS to deal with and then on top of everything else I developed some internal issues that landed me in the Emergency Room last week.  Though I have been very open and forthcoming in this blog, and not just this post but my other posts as well, I prefer not to go into detail.  I will, however, say that it was bad.  It was so bad that the night before I went to the ER I was crying to Matt, "I'm dying, I'm dying!"  Of course, I wasn't actually dying but in those moments it was scary, it was awful, and if you've ever felt like that then you know-it really makes you think.  It puts things into such perspective. During this whole ordeal all modesty went out the window-I didn't care about being embarrassed anymore..I needed my husband and he was there for me.  He was there for me in such a way that I can only say that it made me love him even more and I didn't think it was possible to love him more than I already did.  

During this time and in this past week of recovering (and still not sleeping) I have been given a lot of time to think.  A lot of what I have been thinking about is all of the things I have written here.  I've also thought that despite all of the triumphs and good things I have written about here I still waste and have wasted so much time.  I live inside my own mind far too much.  My heart hurts far too much.  I hurt over friendships lost, stupid things that I have said and done, mistakes that I have made that I wish I could take back.  The worst part is that I do it to myself.  Given all this time to think, I have tried to figure out why I do that.  What I have discovered is that I think some times even if it hurts-the hurt is familiar.  I have lived with these same hurts for so long that it's in a way more comfortable to let my mind wander into those minefields than to risk allowing myself to fear or hurt over the real scariness of HS that I honestly don't deal with.  It's more comfortable to wander in that familiar space than to face myself and realize that we all make stupid mistakes, we all do things we regret..but regret doesn't need to eat up your life.  It's the fear of the unknown vs the fear of the known...the known fear, the known hurt is comfortable and safe.  I think, what if in those moments that I was screaming, "I'm dying, I'm dying!"...what if I really was? I don't want to live in that place anymore.  This is my first step out of the minefield.  Like I have said in this entry, I don't let HS keep me from enjoying my life-and I do enjoy my life..but I know I can enjoy it so much more.  This is one of the many facets of living with a chronic illness, your mind is just as much of a warrior of survival as it is a trap to fall into.  I think more awareness needs to be brought to the psychological side of chronic illnesses.  More understanding, more compassion.  I need to embrace that warrior side.  

So, I guess what it comes down to is life is short.  Words cannot express the love, gratitude, and admiration I have for my husband or the unconditional love I have for my children.  So, to all of you out there that also walk the minefields of the mind, to those of you who live with a chronic illness, to those of you who love someone with a chronic illness-you're not alone.  I am not alone.  We all go through things, we all have struggles, we all have pain.  Everyone you meet has something in their life that they have to fight for or fight through-be compassionate, be kind.  I can't please everyone and at some point I am probably going to let people down at one time or another.  I am thankful to each and every one of you that has stood by my side anyway.  I am thankful for that day when that guy walked around the corner.  I am thankful for everything he is, everything he has given me, everything he has taught me.  I am thankful for my sons who are such incredible and beautiful souls.  Life is about give and take and while I know that I some times need to take, I some times need to ask for help..I hope when it comes down to it, I give back more than I take.

Father's Day!

This sunday, June 19th is Father's Day. It's time to celebrate Dad! I feel very fortunate that my sons have such a wonderful daddy. From the moment we knew I was pregnant with our first son, Matt had a connection with Matthew. He would talk to my belly and Matthew would kick like crazy when he heard daddy's voice. Now, here we are with 2 sons that just adore him.





Matt is a great dad for all the things he does from the little things to the big things. He is their biggest fan when it comes to sports, from helping out their teams to practicing with them in the yard. He is proud of their accomplishments at school and helps with their homework and projects. He attends and participates in every cub scout meeting. He dances to silly songs, plays funny games, and is the best water balloon match player you've ever seen.






I have so many wonderful memories and moments that I will never forget. I know the boys feel the same way. It makes me so happy for them to have such a loving, caring, and involved dad. I know that when they become dads themselves they will know exactly what a great dad should be, because they have the best one around.

I love my boys

The 3 most wonderful people in my world :-)

I'm 28 years old!

Today is my birthday! Yes, that's right world, I'm officially 28 years old. My sister asked me if I felt older and my answer to her was that I already feel atleast 10 years older than my actual age so while it does sound a lot older to me than 27, it doesn't feel much different.

I've often said that I have an "old soul" and I don't think that's a bad thing at all. I do think I have a good balance of acting like a Grandma and still being a fun woman in my twenties. Still, I'm definitely not like the average person of my age. With all of the activities that my sons are in I get to interact with quite a few other parents. I am always the youngest and usually I'm the youngest by a lot. Infact, one of the women at Matthew's bus stop says that every year on her birthday she turns "29" because she refuses to acknowledge anything higher than that. Let's just say she waved bye-bye to 29 long ago.

My husband is 2 1/2 years older than I am, so I get the benefit of seeing what awaits as the years start stacking up. I love watching stand up comedy and I can't even count how many times I've heard the joke that as soon as you turn 30 everything starts falling apart. Being a huge fan of stand up, when I kept hearing this joke multiple times from multiple people, it did send up a red flag that maybe there is some truth behind that joke. Well, I'm here to say that it's true! Within a month of turning 30 all bets were off between my husband and his body. It was as if his body had some warranty that expired the day he turned 30. I wonder what it is about that age that makes your body say "eh...I'm going to stop working now, enjoy!!"

Still, I look forward to the idea of getting older. I particularly look forward to how Matt and I will be as old people. I have a pretty good idea of what kind of "little old man" my husband is going to be and let me tell you, it's hilarious (just picture the most adorable old man you've ever seen with wild and crazy white ear hair that puts a carnival cotton candy to shame). I'm quite sure that I'll be the "crazy cat lady" and together we'll provide much amusement for our sons and their future spouses.

For now though, I'm sure even at 28 and 30 we provide much amusement for them already.

baseball, t ball, and swimming, oh my!

It's finally here, that time of year full of baseballs, dirt stains, and cheering for my boys!

Yep, that's right, it's baseball season! This is Matthew's second year of baseball and his fourth year with the BYA. This is Riley's second year of t ball. Things get pretty crazy around here once baseball season starts.

I often find myself wondering how two little boys can create so much dirty laundry. For the majority of the year one would really think that I have about 10 kids instead of 2. Then baseball season comes around. I thought the laundry was never ending before, ha! Grass stains, dirt stains, stinky socks, and sweaty hats galore! I must say though after a fresh wash and fluffy dry, my boys sure look splendidly handsome in their uniforms.



I love watching their games. In the times I watch them out there having fun and playing it makes all the stress that came before disappear. What stress you may ask? Well, as fun as having your kids in sports is there is a lot of work that goes into it! It gets especially interesting when you have more than one kid in a sport. Somehow I've managed to get myself, both kids, and my husband to different places at the same time. Yes, I'm magical. Last week I was able to get Matthew to cub scouts, attend his meeting with him where he made a presentation about the hockey game his Aunt Jenny took him to, while at the same time I got Matt and Riley to Riley's T ball game in time, and was also able to make it back to Riley's game to see him have a great hit without using the Tee!

It's still the beginning of the season but the boys have both been doing very well and having a ton of fun!



There are so many things that I love about watching the boys play sports and I've talked about about that here before. I love when they look to make sure I'm watching, I love cheering them on when they succeed and yelling "good try!!" when they strike out. One of the things I love the most though is that they have such a wonderful Dad that comes to every single game, supports them whether they win or lose. I tell them often how lucky they are to have a Daddy that cares so much. We are both very proud parents indeed!



Another fun thing we've started is swimming lessons! We take the boys swimming quite a bit but they have always needed assistance of a noodle or other floatation device. So, we thought it would be a good idea to sign them up for swimming lessons. They are only once a week and Matthew has class with kids his age and Riley's class follow immediately after with kids his age. They had their first class and absolutely loved it!! Matthew was so confident after that first class, it was just great to see. The teacher came over and told us that both boys did very well! Matthew is a lot like his dad in that he isn't overly expressive, so to see him smiling that big and laughing and being so confident, it was great!! Riley looked so cute, his little feet splashing all around. They had so much fun and it's a great thing for them to learn!

So, we have a lot going on but it's all fun! I don't ever want to over schedule my kids but I do think having certain activities to look forward to is a good thing. The first rule, however, is always: school comes first. Things get hectic around baseball but it's only for a short time in the spring and then the leisurely days of summer are quick to follow. I think it's important for them to have things to look forward to, exercise, learning, team work and most importantly FUN.

Spring is here!

It may be rainy and kind of chilly out there right now, but don't let that fool you..Spring is here!!

There are certain things that I love about every season. With Summer it's that I have the boys home from school, no schedules, just fun from sun up to sun down. Fishing is our staple summer activity, we go pretty much every night. Trips to Kennywood, walking to get ice cream, so much fun! Fall is my favorite season. I love the weather. I love that I can cover up in a cozy hoodie on some days and then walk out of the house with no jacket other days. I love the pumpkins and farms and don't even get me started on Halloween. Winter, well snow is beautiful to look at though I absolutely loathe driving in it. Still, building snowmen, having snow ball fights, and trying my best to push my husband into a pile of snow (though he always manages to get me first!), is so much fun! Finally, there is Spring. Beautiful weather, the beginning of fishing season, sports for the boys, lots of outside activities!

We've been lucky enough to have been able to go fishing a couple times already this Spring. Hopefully the weather gets nicer in May! The nicer the weather gets, the more fishing we can do! The boys love fishing so much! Spending the day at the lake is probably my favorite thing to do. It's peaceful and relaxing yet exciting at the same time. The boys always find something new to explore. Matthew is becoming quite the master fisherman, he has caught over 100 fish!! Each time we go fishing I bring along my notebook. It's not just any notebook mind you, it's THE notebook. It's a purple (of course) notebook in which I record each day we go fishing, where we are fishing, and all the fish we catch listed by who catches it, what kind of fish it is, and how many of those fish that person has caught. Yes, I'm a dork. It may sound silly but I know it will be something we will look back on years from now and it will be so great to flip through. The boys like it too because they can keep track of just how many fish we catch! Riley loves looking at the fish that we catch but for the last couple years he's been more interested in finding frogs and butterflies, though this year he wants to be the one catching all the fish! It's exciting that they are both so excited about it. I'm so glad that 3 years ago we decided to take a chance and see how the boys (and indoor girl, me!) would like fishing at the lake. I never could have guessed the great memories and wonderful times that would follow.

The other thing that comes along with Spring is the start of baseball and t ball season! This will be Matthew's 4th year playing with the BYA, he played 2 years of t ball and this will be his second year of baseball. For Riley, this will be his second year of t ball. I love watching their games and can't wait for them to start. So far they've each had a few practices and games are starting really soon. In fact, Matthew's first game is in less than a week! I can't wait! Matthew is doing very well at practice and having a great time! Riley is doing well and has surprised me with how well he is throwing. I'm glad that they enjoy it so much, I know I sure love watching them play. Even though I know they should be focusing on their game/practice, I have to admit that the thing I love the best is when I catch them looking to make sure that I was just watching. It just makes me want to yell out "Yes, I'm watching you, I love you!!!!" Do you think that would embarrass them?! haha!

Well, I may be just a little embarrassing but one thing is for sure, they know I love them and that's worth a little embarrassment I think.

How did I get so lucky?

I love him.



That is all.

:-)

Peace out, Cub Scout

At the beginning of the school year Matthew brought home a paper with his "Thursday packet" of papers. The paper said "Join two great teams" and it had four scouts standing with the Pittsburgh Pirates mascot. At the bottom of the paper it said there was to be a meeting to learn more on Wednesday September 8th. I asked Matthew if he would be interested in joining the cub scouts. He answered with an enthusiastic "YES!" So, I set about learning all I could about the cub scouts. I searched online at be a scout and found some really great information! I also went to words to live by and learned all about the great things that scouts do. I also asked my friends on facebook if they had any experience with scouting. I got some really awesome feedback. When Matt came home that evening we talked about it and decided we would go to the meeting. It didn't take long into that meeting that we knew we were going to go ahead and sign him up! Since then it's been so much fun!



We have done so many great things as a family, and that's what I love the most, it's about family. Riley is too young still to join cub scouts but Matthew's den (and the whole pack as well) make him feel right at home and include him as much as they can!



We have learned so much and had a lot of fun doing it. Matthew is proud of being a cub scout and it shows! I'm proud of him for doing his best and I'm so happy that he loves it so much. Our first big thing since joining cub scouts was the pinewood derby. Matthew came in 3rd place! He was so proud!!



We recently went to the scout store in Pittsburgh and had an absolute blast. It was a fun day! I do love looking at everything on the online store but going to one in person is so much fun!



The cub scout motto is: Do Your Best! What a great message! This is only our first year involved with scouting and I'm sure we're all going to learn from it and enjoy it for many years to come! So, if you've thought about maybe giving scouting a try, go for it, you won't regret it! It's a fun way to do things as a family while learning important life lessons about safety, fun, character, and so much more! Like everything in life, you get out of it what you put in. I know that when Matthew and Riley are adults they will look back at our time in cub scouts and treasure it, knowing that mom and dad took as much joy in seeing them learn and have fun as they did doing all the fun stuff scouting has to offer.

12 Years!

In just a little under 2 weeks it will be the 12 year anniversary of the day Matt and I met!

I am going to be very busy these next few weeks so I thought I would go ahead and post this now.

I don't think I could have ever guessed that 12 years could fly by so fast! There were so many times that our paths crossed before we ever met and I feel truly lucky that we finally did meet. The day we met I knew that Matt was something special, and was I ever right. It's a truly amazing thing to find that one person in the world who completes you. "I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps." That is a quote from one of our favorite movies, Rocky. That's how I feel about us. I feel like he makes me a better person and when there's times that I feel like I'm not enough..he fills the gaps and makes me whole again. Here we are 12 years later with two wonderful sons and I still find new things to love about him.

I love you with all my heart Matt. Thank you for supporting me in everything I do and giving me the strength to try new things. Thank you for making me laugh until I cry and thank you for letting me cry until I can smile again. Thank you for taking care of me no matter how much of a baby I am when I'm sick. Thank you for listening but more than that, thank you for hearing me in a way no one else does. Thank you for our wonderful sons and thank you for being a great dad. Finally, thank you for 12 years of YOU. I love you.

Epilepsy Awareness

Support the Global day for Epilepsy Awareness by wearing purple on March 26th.

http://www.purpleday.org/

When I grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up? I love asking my sons this question. Every time you ask them you never really know what you are going to get. I actually had this conversation with Matthew and Riley this afternoon. Matthew initiated the conversation by asking Riley "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Riley responded, "a scientist!". I then asked Matthew the same question and he replied "a police officer, or a shark doctor!" However, when I went to relay this cute story to Matt this evening, Riley was very quick to tell us all that he had changed his mind. I love that every day they have new ideas of what they want to be or what they are interested in. However, it really got me thinking about this topic. Why does asking what someone wants to be automatically correspond with what profession, job, money making activity, they will pursue as an adult? Not that it's bad to think of those things, in fact it's good, it's great to have an idea of a career that will make you happy.

Still, I can't help but feel like while encouraging those things, wouldn't it also be a good idea to remind our kids (and ourselves) that what you do/your job isn't necessarily who you ARE. I guess I should say it isn't all of who you are, it's just a part of it. Who you are isn't just what job you have, it's who you are on the INSIDE. I think back to when I was my sons ages and when I was a kid my dad was my hero, not because he was in the Navy (which is very hero worthy) but because he's my dad. My mom was my hero, not for working at my school (which was pretty cool as well) but because she's my mom. I think my kids feel the same way.

I've found myself saying.."Well, I guess I just don't know what I want to be 'when I grow up'," when people (even strangers) have asked "well, so what are you going to be??" I guess I've discovered something, I already am what I want to "be" and I guess that doesn't fit in any type of box or label. I'm not an attorney, a nurse, a teacher, a real estate agent..etc. I don't currently have a job title but that's not what makes me who I am. What makes me who I am is what's always been inside of me. I live a lot of my life inside of my own head, in other words, I think A LOT. I'm constantly thinking of how can I do this, how can I accomplish that, oh this would be a great idea, what time does Matthew need to be here, oh Riley wanted that shirt washed, hmm..what would Matt want for dinner. I guess if I had to answer the question of "So, what did you end up being when you grew up?" I would have to answer, I'm a mother who loves my kids more than anything, a mother who finally found her purpose in life through her children. I'm a wife that loves her husband and would do absolutely anything for him. I love to create. Writing, painting, photography...give me something ordinary and I'll find the beauty in it. Finally, I'm me..I'm a worry wart, I'm overly sensitive, I don't let many people close to me, I love to laugh and make others laugh, I can be goofy and silly and intensely serious. Whatever job I end up having in my life when my kids are both a bit older, whether it's living my dream of doing what I love or working in the cafeteria at my kid's school so I can be home when they are home, I will bring all of those things to anything I do.

I used to be ashamed when people would talk about their jobs, careers, and "what they want to be when they grow up," I felt like I was lost and floating out there with no direction. It wasn't until today that I realized I'm not floating and lost, I'm found here in my family. Matt and the boys have given me something that I don't know how I can ever thank them, they gave me such support and love to know that I'll never be lost because I have them to anchor me and catch me if I ever fall.

So, I hope that my sons know that whatever they decide to do with their lives as far as jobs go I hope they find something that will make them happy and something that will help them be productive and satisfied, but also that what's inside is such an important part of what they are going to "be" when they grow up...and what they are inside is beautiful and to me they are incredible and my inspiration.

My husband is 30 years old!!! (Dec 1st)

It's not quite midnight yet, but close enough! When my hubby wakes up tomorrow, December 1st, he will be 30 years old!!! I am most definitely more excited than he is. I love his birthday. I love that I get to make a fuss over him all day, tell him a million times how special he is, how thankful I am to have found him (not that I don't bug him like that every day anyways haha).

30 years old. Time sure does fly. We've been together through our teens, our twenties, and now here he is entering his thirties!!

I love you so, so, so much Matt. Happy Birthday to my other (better) half!

Changing and Growing

What does it mean to be a mom? Every year my sons change and grow and with that so does my role as a mom. Of course there are things that will never change whether they are 2 years old or 42 years old. They will always be my kids even when they are taller than me and married with kids of their own. Although I know that when they get older I won't be able to kiss away the hurts of life like I can now when they fall down, I'll always be there to pick them up. I promise to myself and my sons that no matter what happens in their lives they can know that they will have atleast 2 people that will always support them, love them, and believe in them: Mommy and Daddy.

Being a mom changes a lot when your kids become school age. Both of my sons are now in school and it's only been a month into this school year and I'm definitely being reminded of this. The summer provides a small break from that world and a happy reminder of the years when it was just me and my boys. I'm so proud of everything that they do in school and I love going through their papers and getting their artwork, but I definitely treasure the summer when it's just me and them and the memories we make together.

When the boys were babies my role as a mom was a lot different than it is now. My "uniform" was simply anything I didn't care if it got boogers, poop, or puke on. Black bags under my eyes were the norm and still they would say that I was pretty (when they could talk that is!) and before they could talk they would put their little hands on my cheeks and just stare at me with a look that can only be described as pure love (if you're a mom, you know this look!) They didn't see the stained clothes or the tired eyes, they saw me. When they were babies my role as a mom was to feed them, clean up after them, clean them, get their clothes clean...basically it was a lot of cleaning! The fun side of that was that the main attraction for the day was "What funny face is Mommy going to make today to make me laugh?" To this day they still get a kick out of that game. The thing I loved the most about when they boys were babies was showing them something for the first time. It was amazing to watch their eyes get big with wonder. I remember taking Matthew in his stroller down on the boardwalk across the river and showing him the river up close for the first time. I remember Riley kicking his kick toy and seeing it light up for the first time. We made up silly songs and I sang horribly out of tune to the delight of both the boys. Actually, I still do this and now they add their own verses to the mix!

The older that they get the more their world expands. They have teachers, coaches, and friends. They begin to branch out and create their own world. I feel so lucky that they still get so excited to include me in those things. They love that I get so excited at their baseball games (and cheer at the top of my lungs!), that I love going to their school open house, that I put their school work up on display. My "mom uniform" has changed a lot since their baby days. Don't get me wrong, I still rock the sweatpants and old shirts but they have their place and time. I highly doubt they would enjoy me showing up to their baseball games like that! A lot of the things that I had to do for them when they were little they can now do themselves and believe me they let you know it! Now, I think one of their favorite things to do is to help ME do things.

The reason I'm writing this post is because I am about to redo my dry erase calendar soon for the month of October. I was thinking about all the appointments and meetings and school functions that I will need to write on it. It got me thinking about how different things are now. I can't say that there has been one age that I have liked better than another because each stage had it's own great and hard things. I do know, however, that I'm excited about all of the new great and hard things yet to come.

Along with all the changes that a mom goes through, dad's go through changes as well. I'm thankful that I've had such a great partner, friend, and husband that has grown with me. I'm thankful that my sons have a dad that they can look up to and admire, even if they do beat him in a race around the yard (daddy says it was a tie..hmmm haha!).

Sometimes it's hard to deal with change and I'm not going to pretend that I don't cry like a baby when my kids get on the bus that first day of school..I do! I think back to the days when there were no words, just little hands cupped around my cheeks to a day we had this summer at the lake when out of the blue I was told by my son Riley "you're the best mom in the world!" promptly followed by Matthew saying "hey, I think that too!"...and it shows me that in a world that can be so uncertain at times we will always have eachother and LOVE.

Nicknames

As a huge fan of the show Seinfeld and an even bigger fan of George Costanza, I fondly remember the episode in which George wants a nickname. Not just any nickname but the nickname "T Bone" infact. It's interesting how people get tagged with certain nicknames. It's one of those things you don't really get to choose for yourself, though some of us may try to influence it a bit (like George!).

I guess my main nickname would be Wiffy because Matt is just too cool to use "Wifey" like most people-I much prefer Wiffy any day! Matt, however, has a million nicknames. Some I'm sure he would be too embarassed for me to type out here, and I'm sure are quite embarassing when I yell them when we are in the middle of Walmart.

The boys have quite a few nicknames as well.

Matthew AKA:
Buddy (a nickname both the boys share)
Daffew
Daff
Dafferoni
Daffinator
Stink

Riley AKA:
Buddy
Smiley Riley
Rye Rye
Ryes
Rye
Riley butt

Those are the main nicknames we have, but I'm sure there are more that I am forgetting as I'm typing this. All of these names came about for different reasons but most of them came from the songs I make up about the boys. Now, the cats are getting in on it and if I sing to get the boys out of bed their cats will come in the room and try to wake them up!

I wonder if on Matthew's graduation day I'll still be calling him Dafferoni...I hope so :-).

Home Projects

Recently I got it in my head that redoing the bathroom would be a great idea. I think I had forgotten that I had just gotten over being sick for 3 weeks straight when this bright idea entered my brain. Still, I made my way to "Ambridge Do It Best!" and got the paint and supplies and started on the hole in the wall known as "the bathroom". The reason I originally referred to the bathroom as a hole in the wall is because before I took on this project I had attempted "fixing up" the bathroom before. I took the wallpaper off and painted the walls. Actually, I can't really say I painted the walls because I really only painted one of the walls. So for the last few years the bathroom has been a big mess of an unfinished project. Now, I definitely have a mound of excuses...I mean reasons...why the bathroom never got finished but this time I knew if I started it I would have to finish it. So, I decided that what was lacking in my first attempt at fixing the bathroom was a plan. This time around I came up with a plan and a design and believe it or not about 2 weeks after starting the bathroom project it was pretty much done. There are still a few things that need to be done, mainly the cubby holes need to be painted and repapered. Still, it's definitely a real room now and no longer that hole in the wall that looks not even half finished. The plan was simple: since Matt is gracious enough to let me fill the rest of the house with my wizard of oz, purple, and cat obsessions, he deserved a space that he could enjoy...granted it's the bathroom, but still it's a room right? So..the plan was to turn the bathroom into a Steelers theme bathroom. It looks great and the boys and Matt love it! These are just a couple pictures showing some of the things I did. The best part is that I was able to use 2 of the presents that Matthew gave us for Christmas (he picked them out all by himself at his school's Santa Shop) so it's extra special!

The introduction post

I guess every good blog starts with an introduction post. This is not my first venture into "blogging." I have had a different blog since 2001 that was more of an online diary than anything else. However, it has remained pretty inactive for the last 4 years. I'm hoping starting this new blog will be an exciting new way to keep up with my friends and family and I'm hoping that same of you will not only read this blog but make blogs of your own! I'm not yet sure how I plan to use this blog, as I've said I've already done the online diary and maybe I will use this for that purpose somewhat, but I'm really not quite sure yet.

I guess the best way to start is to introduce myself and my family.

My name is Katie and I am 26 years old. I am a wife to Matt, who I met when I was 15 years old, and a mother to my wonderful sons Matthew and Riley.

I have what some might call an "old soul." I love photography, crafts, and just doing anything creative. I love my family and feel incredibly fortunate to have such wonderful sons. I love cats, the color purple is more than just my favorite color it's somewhat of an obsession, and I absolutely love music.

My husband is Matt and he is 29. He works really hard at his job. He loves the outdoors and tries to get me to be less of what I call "an inside girl." He did mange to get me in to fishing last summer and now I love it! He is a wonderful dad to the boys and a great husband to me :-).

Matthew is my oldest son, he is 7 years old. Matthew is a mini-Matt in so many ways but definitely has some of me thrown in there too (like being a picky eater!). Matthew loves being outside and playing any sport but he especially loves fishing. He is currently in 1st grade and does really well in school. It amazes me how smart he is.

Riley is my youngest son, he is 4 years old. Riley is my cuddle bug and likes to do everything that mommy is doing. Riley is currently in preschool and says his favorite thing about school is "the food". Riley loves to help me when I am crafting and he likes to be everyone's little helper.

So, that's a little introduction to the family. Hope to start making updates very soon!