To have and to hold

In March of 1999 I was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school.  One day I was taking a note to the Nurse's office with a classmate during class.  The hallways were empty as classes were in session.  Then, around the corner came this guy.  Not just any guy-THE guy.  The guy that would change my life.

In June of 2002 I had just turned 19 years old the month before and was a bride on my wedding day.  Three years after I met that guy walking down the hallway, there I was walking down the aisle to become his wife.

 It is now December of 2014 and I am 31 years old and a stay at home mom.  I am also very happily married to that boy I met so many years ago.

Through all of these years we have gone through all the same things any married couple goes through-there are ups and downs, trials, triumphs, and I'm sure I probably annoy him more times than I'd like to admit some times!  At the end of the day, we're a family.  Matt and I often have conversations about our relationship.  I really think that this is a good thing for anyone in a relationship to do.  Before you roll your eyes-it's really not a "hey, let's sit and talk about us" type of thing..it's just something that happens and it's not all of the time but often enough that we are able to check in with each other and see how we are doing.  Often these talks happen on spring and summer nights when we are sitting outside together, or when a big life event happens, be it good or bad-like going through medical issues or a birthday or celebration for our kids. We reminisce about how far we have come as a couple and as a family.  We talk about times where we could have made better decisions or behaved better.  We talk about those moments with our kids that may seem like every day little things but are really the most important.  I believe that it is through these spontaneous talks that we grow so much and we grow together.  I tell him all the time that we are so fortunate.  

When Matt and I got married we were so young. I had an idea in my head of how I wanted things to be and how I hoped things would be.  For the first six years of our marriage we went through discovering what kind of marriage we wanted, what kind of life we wanted, and what kind of parents we wanted to be.  We also went through all the growing pains and joys that accompany all of that.  We grew up.  For those six years of marriage and the three years of dating before that, I had been the one to take care of Matt with his Epilepsy.  I will never forget the first time he had a seizure in front of me.  He had not told me that he was living with Epilepsy and we were very newly dating.  When it happened his mother explained to me what was going on.  I was young and I will admit that I was afraid because I didn't know what it was.  I wasn't afraid of him, I was just afraid for him because I didn't want anything bad to ever happen to him or for him to ever be hurt.  When we spoke after he recovered the first thing he asked me was if I was going to break up with him now.  My answer was an emphatic "NO." I would never do that and it made me sad that somewhere along the line something must have happened in his life to make him worry that this could even be a possibility. I didn't understand then how or why he would think that, and it wouldn't be until many years later that I finally would.  I only wish he had told me first just so I would have been prepared if we had happened to be alone or out somewhere but thankfully his mom was there when it happened. I understand why he didn't tell me though, and I know he would have told me when he was ready if it hadn't have happened in front of me first. While we were dating his Epilepsy caused him to break his nose, his elbow, bite his tongue, and a million other injuries along the way. Since being married even more things have happened to him. He isn't able to drive and many times people aren't aware of the affects Epilepsy can have on your memory, not to mention how it affects sleeping habits and the amount of medication that has to be taken. If I could have taken it away from him I would have done it in a heartbeat-I still would.  Through all of this, what Matt living with Epilepsy has shown me is just how strong he is.  He inspires me every single day.  The point that I am making with all of this is that when we got married I knew Matt lived with Epilepsy and I also knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as his shoulder to lean on, his sounding board, his care taker when in need, his advocate, his best friend-I wanted to love him-all of him-with my whole heart for my whole life.  I knew that he would take care of me as well, I never doubted that, but I had no idea just how much he would have to take care of me...

 Though I had been experiencing symptoms for a couple years prior, in the summer of 2008 I was officially diagnosed with Hidradenitis Supperativa, a painful skin condition that currently has little research and no cure.  To learn more about HS, you can read my posts on the condition by clicking these links: Part One , Part Two    and Poem.  When my symptoms started they were mild and I avoided going to the doctor right away.  When I did finally go, my doctor told me it was "no big deal".  It wasn't until I developed a huge lump that was so painful I ended up in the Emergency Room and had to go home with a tube in my arm, that I switched to a new doctor in the office (purely by chance-my regular doctor was not in the office that day) and I was officially diagnosed.  Matt had actually been researching my symptoms and thought that I might have HS and printed out the information for me to take to my doctor that day, I had the papers in my hand ready to give to the doctor when he diagnosed me.  While it was great to finally have a doctor that knew what was going on, it was a sad day as well because that meant everything I had read about the disease was now not just some rare disease from the internet that I was scared that I might have-it was something that I truly had.  Let me just say that when you find out you have a disease and you start researching it-reading over and over again "no known cure" isn't exactly the most comforting thing.  As these last 6 years have gone by my HS has gotten worse.  It seems the more time progresses, the more the HS progresses.  Now I am affected in 10 parts of my body with tunneling, open wounds that never heal, and scars..more than I could even count.  When I received my official diagnosis I finally understood that conversation Matt and I had so many years ago when he asked me if I was going to break up with him after I saw him have a seizure for the first time.  I understood because I felt the same way.  I was convinced that he wouldn't want to deal with this often times disgusting disease.  I felt damaged.  As the years and disease have progressed I still have those thoughts.  How could he love me, why would he even want to, he didn't sign up for this, I'm broken.  Yet-despite all these destructive thoughts in my own mind, Matt has never once, not ever, made me feel anything less than beautiful.  He has bandaged my wounds more times than I could count, he has stayed by my side when I am in so much pain that all I can do is cry.  He has become just what I thought I would be for him, my shoulder to lean on, my sounding board, my care taker when in need, my advocate, my best friend-he loves me-all of me-with his whole heart for his whole life.  Interestingly enough, both of our awareness colors are purple-which just happens to be my favorite color (dare I say more of an obsession).  Years ago, I became an Ambassador of Purple to spread awareness and understanding for Epilepsy.  While there is not currently an organization like that for HS (maybe I should start one)-I consider Matt an Ambassador of Purple as well-for me.  He has researched, talked to my doctors, joined communities-he's done everything he can think of to make my life with HS better.

When Matt and I said our vows on our wedding day part of those vows were, "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" I had no idea then just how significant that was going to be for us.  I knew that I would always take care of him, love him, have him and hold him, no matter what-I guess I just never gave much thought to anything ever happening to me.  I definitely didn't even know that HS existed and couldn't have imagined that I would end up with a disease that is so painful, scaring, disfiguring, and often times embarrassing.  I think most people in relationships remember how at the beginning of the relationship you do your best to look your best and generally not embarrass yourself as much as possible.  It seems so funny to me now to think back to that time in my relationship with Matt.  It makes me laugh that there used to be a time that I never would have shown up to see him with no make up on..the thought of ever doing any type of embarrassing bodily function in front of him would have probably made me faint. It's comical now considering everything we've been through and everything we've both seen.  I guess the moral of that little story is that he loved me when I was putting my best foot forward in the beginning, and he loves me still and probably loves me even more now even when I'm being completely annoying or when he helps with my HS which can be, let's just say, less than flattering.  

Often times in life the things that are the hardest teach us the most.  Due to everything we've been through Matt and I learned at a young age that time is precious.  We didn't have to wait until we were old to look back at our lives as husband and wife and Mom and Dad and think "I wish I would have valued my partner and kids more." We will never have to say that because we learned early on how precious time is, how precious life is, how precious moments are.  Though I have many favorite memories of our family, one that sticks out in my mind, and one that I think of often is our 10 year wedding anniversary.  We didn't have a big fancy wedding and we don't have the money now to go on a honeymoon or have an anniversary party..and that's ok.  How did we spend our 10 year wedding anniversary? We spent it at our oldest son's baseball game and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  The best part of that day was that for weeks I had planned to take the family back to the place that Matt and I were married after our son's baseball game that day.  I wanted to take our kids there and show them that no matter what-we're a team-we're a family-always.  I didn't tell anyone that I was planning to do that, I wanted to surprise my husband.  So, after the game I started to drive in the opposite direction of home.  We got to the place where we got married and we got out of the car and walked to a gazebo that they had recently built on the property.  That is when my husband pulled out a piece of paper and gave it to our son.  Our son began to read a vow renewal ceremony.  In those weeks that I had been planning to take us to that spot on our anniversary my husband had been planning and even practiced with our oldest son a vow renewal ceremony and kept it a secret!  It makes me cry now even recalling that day.  We stood there in front of our two sons, with our oldest son officiating the ceremony.  We renewed the vows we had made 10 years ago and then embraced our sons and made vows to them that we would always be a family.  My son Matthew took this picture of us afterwards:

I also believe that because of all these things we've been through together, we are better parents.  Matt has never let his Epilepsy keep him from being the best dad to his sons.  He is not able to drive because of his Epilepsy but he has always found a way to make it to their games or events.  Matt could easily say that it's just too hard to find a ride or to do this or do that..but he doesn't..he has walked miles and miles when he had to(well, he didn't HAVE to, he could have just not gone-but he WANTED to)just to see them play.

It is Matt's determination that has given me the strength to do the same.  My HS will never keep me from enjoying my kids, cheering them on, supporting them. I have attended their games with my arm in a sling, I have walked with tears streaming down my face to get to my seat at their baseball games, I have sat through unimaginable pain to watch their plays at school or to see them in a spelling bee or giving a speech.  You can't get those moments back and nothing is worth missing them..nothing.

I have a few reasons that I wanted to write this post.  I have recently had a lot of time to think about well-everything.  I have had a lot of time and opportunity to observe, think, examine, and process things.  Often times a lot of things that go along with diseases or conditions get ignored because you can't see them.  You are able to see the seizure but when the person is not actively having a seizure that doesn't mean they aren't dealing with quite a bit of physical and psychological effects of Epilepsy. The same is said for HS, a lot of times people who live with HS cover their affected areas.  I have 10 areas that are affected so covering them up isn't always an option.  Many people living with HS have inspired me to work more towards being brave and not feeling like I have to always cover my HS-like in the summer when I really want to wear a tank top.  So, while some times you may see the HS with your eyes, a lot of the time unless you are the trusted friend, lover, or caregiver of a person with HS-you could look at someone and never know the physical as well as psychological things they go through.  There is stress, depression, anger, fear, and many more.  If you add the physical and psychological symptoms of HS, for me that manifests in many ways and one of those ways is lack of sleep. So, while I am no stranger to sleepless nights, it hasn't been the HS causing it lately.  In October I decided to help my husband and let him relax while I cut the grass.  He already does so much for me and if I can do something to help him then I am going to do it.  He told me not to, but I didn't listen.  Not only didn't I listen but when I got out there and had trouble with the mower I didn't stop what I was doing and go ask him for help..nope, not me-I just kept on keeping on out in the yard. He does so much for me and I didn't want to ask for help, I wanted him to relax and not worry about me. When it got too dark for me to continue I finally came inside.  I knew my arm was sore but I figured it was just from working so hard.  The next day my arm was even more sore but it just felt like minor muscle pain.  It wasn't until a week later that I slipped and fell landing on that same arm that this nightmare began.  I don't know if it was the week that had passed or the fall that ignited the pain but the next day it began.  I have been in extreme pain from that day on.  It is now December and I haven't slept in my bed since October.  It is too painful.  I have been to the doctor and it's not getting better which means more doctors, which means more money spent on me..which I hate. During all of this time I have of course had my ever present HS to deal with and then on top of everything else I developed some internal issues that landed me in the Emergency Room last week.  Though I have been very open and forthcoming in this blog, and not just this post but my other posts as well, I prefer not to go into detail.  I will, however, say that it was bad.  It was so bad that the night before I went to the ER I was crying to Matt, "I'm dying, I'm dying!"  Of course, I wasn't actually dying but in those moments it was scary, it was awful, and if you've ever felt like that then you know-it really makes you think.  It puts things into such perspective. During this whole ordeal all modesty went out the window-I didn't care about being embarrassed anymore..I needed my husband and he was there for me.  He was there for me in such a way that I can only say that it made me love him even more and I didn't think it was possible to love him more than I already did.  

During this time and in this past week of recovering (and still not sleeping) I have been given a lot of time to think.  A lot of what I have been thinking about is all of the things I have written here.  I've also thought that despite all of the triumphs and good things I have written about here I still waste and have wasted so much time.  I live inside my own mind far too much.  My heart hurts far too much.  I hurt over friendships lost, stupid things that I have said and done, mistakes that I have made that I wish I could take back.  The worst part is that I do it to myself.  Given all this time to think, I have tried to figure out why I do that.  What I have discovered is that I think some times even if it hurts-the hurt is familiar.  I have lived with these same hurts for so long that it's in a way more comfortable to let my mind wander into those minefields than to risk allowing myself to fear or hurt over the real scariness of HS that I honestly don't deal with.  It's more comfortable to wander in that familiar space than to face myself and realize that we all make stupid mistakes, we all do things we regret..but regret doesn't need to eat up your life.  It's the fear of the unknown vs the fear of the known...the known fear, the known hurt is comfortable and safe.  I think, what if in those moments that I was screaming, "I'm dying, I'm dying!"...what if I really was? I don't want to live in that place anymore.  This is my first step out of the minefield.  Like I have said in this entry, I don't let HS keep me from enjoying my life-and I do enjoy my life..but I know I can enjoy it so much more.  This is one of the many facets of living with a chronic illness, your mind is just as much of a warrior of survival as it is a trap to fall into.  I think more awareness needs to be brought to the psychological side of chronic illnesses.  More understanding, more compassion.  I need to embrace that warrior side.  

So, I guess what it comes down to is life is short.  Words cannot express the love, gratitude, and admiration I have for my husband or the unconditional love I have for my children.  So, to all of you out there that also walk the minefields of the mind, to those of you who live with a chronic illness, to those of you who love someone with a chronic illness-you're not alone.  I am not alone.  We all go through things, we all have struggles, we all have pain.  Everyone you meet has something in their life that they have to fight for or fight through-be compassionate, be kind.  I can't please everyone and at some point I am probably going to let people down at one time or another.  I am thankful to each and every one of you that has stood by my side anyway.  I am thankful for that day when that guy walked around the corner.  I am thankful for everything he is, everything he has given me, everything he has taught me.  I am thankful for my sons who are such incredible and beautiful souls.  Life is about give and take and while I know that I some times need to take, I some times need to ask for help..I hope when it comes down to it, I give back more than I take.

I have Hidradenitis Suppurativa Part 2

If you haven't read Part 1, here is a link to my first post about HS that explains what it is: I have Hidradenitis Suppurativa Part 1

The Poem I wrote about living with HS can be found here: Having HS: A Poem

I have meant to make this a series and keep writing regular posts but as often happens with HS, what I mean to do isn't always what gets done.  I am going to try to keep up on it better though.  I have found that reading other people's stories with HS has helped me a great deal and maybe someone will stumble across my HS series and it will help them too.

It's interesting how something can make you want to hide and at the same time make you want to wear a big sign on your forehead explaining everything at the same time.  What I mean by that is that a lot of times I want to hide-I want to hide away from the world-I want to hide my bumps-I want to hide my scars.  Then there are other times when I get asked questions like "Is everything ok?" "Why do you look so down in the dumps?" "Why didn't you come to the party/get together/etc?" "Have you done *insert just about anything* yet?" that I wish I had a sign taped to my forehead explaining, yes explaining NOT excusing, exactly "WHY".

As I mentioned earlier reading other people's HS stories has helped me a great deal. It helps to see other people feeling the same things I feel and it also helps to see them triumphing and falling and then getting back up to do it all over again.  Some people living with HS are much braver than I am.  With it being summer time that's the time for tank tops, sleeveless summer dresses, trips to the pool.  I love all of those things.  I have tank tops, pretty dresses, and I love swimming.  I remember when it was easy to just throw on a tank top or swim suit and only be self conscious about my weight-and as a side note, how lovely would it be if HS contributed to myself esteem rising as much as my weight has haha.  Unfortunately, while I do enjoy cute sleeveless outfits, because of my HS (or my lack of confidence with my HS I should say) I have a myriad of "top shirts" as my son Riley calls them, to go with my outfits.  It kind of defeats the purpose of a sleeveless outfit.  There have been many times that I feel out of place because I am so hot that I can't help but to say aloud "it's so hot!" and I'm sure people look at me and think.."well, why doesn't she take off that heavy top layer?"  You know what-I should, but I'm just not there yet.

Though sometimes I want to hide, other times I wish I could tape a sign on my forehead explaining everything.  Sometimes I want to shout things from the rooftop.  Things like: I'm not constantly in a bad mood for no reason, in fact most of the time I'm actually not in a bad mood at all, I just hurt. Maybe I'm not being as social as everyone else but that's because it hurts to move in certain ways. Maybe I am commenting on how hot it is, not because I want to complain but because while everyone else is wearing tank tops, I have to wear a shirt on top to cover my bumps and scars (because if I didn't that would open up a million more questions that I don't always feel like answering) or because I know that the heat only means more issues with my HS. Maybe I am unable to attend social gatherings, your party, or something else you have invited me to..that doesn't mean I don't want to, but sometimes I can only do so much (If you ever get the chance check out The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino, she explains this point perfectly: The Spoon Theory). If I do spend the time and energy to make something for you, go somewhere with you, reach out to you, it's not because I'm bored or have nothing better to do, it's a conscious decision on my part because I really want to, because making you that gift or going out to lunch is not always an easy thing when you are in pain 24/7.  I have always been a sensitive person so this has nothing to do with HS, but when I do reach out and you don't reach back, it hurts..a lot.  Though I know I am not easy to be around for a million reasons..it still hurts.  When I fail to do things with people or participate the way I want to, it hurts..a lot.  I never want to hurt anyone or not be there for someone and I know I have.   There is a reason why depression is so prevalent in the HS community, I won't go into all that here as I discussed it in my I have HS part 1 blog entry.

HS is NOT an excuse and I never intend to use it as one.  That is why I'm writing this post, not to give excuses but to explain, to give a voice to all those things I want to scream when someone makes a rude comment to me or gives me a look.  I wanted to write this because I find it interesting that something can make you want to hide and scream from the rooftops for all to hear-at the same time.  It's an interesting feeling to not want anyone to know and yet feel compelled to give it a voice at the same time.  I want so much to give a real voice to HS-the struggles, triumphs, breakthroughs and breakdowns..all of it.  Who knows what today is going to bring but I've been through quite a bit lately so I feel a triumph coming my way...

Having HS, a poem by me

Open holes
Open heart
Trying to learn to embrace these scars

See what you want to see
Or see what I see
See what can't always be seen with your eyes
But what is my reality

Up and down
Inside and out
A literal "bumpy path"
A little compassion and understanding
Is that too much to ask

I smile
I cry
I scream
I laugh
But when we do these things together
The pain is cut in half

Sometimes I feel embarrassed
Sometimes I feel alone
Sometimes I have to remind myself
You just have to keep moving on

Giving in to all the "I can't"s
Would be surrendering to this war
Though my body fights against itself
This life holds so much more

It holds much more than pain
It holds much more than fear
It holds the joy of all the things
That HS will never make disappear

It cannot take away that which I am not willing to give
The thing about living with HS is that you have to remember to LIVE

Love those you love
Create something new
Don't let this pain take away the best parts of you

I am thankful for every single day
Whether it be good or bad
Because HS doesn't make or break me
It is just something that I have

~Kate Fallecker

I have Hidradenitis Suppurativa

June 10-16 was Hidradenitis Suppurativa Awareness week in the UK.  There is no official awareness week for HS in the United States but many people who suffer with HS often use this week to spread awareness here in the United States as well as come out as a survivor to friends, family, and people in their community.  I wasn't ready to talk about it then, and maybe I'm still not exactly ready to talk about it now, but I think it might help me to talk about it.  

Hidradenitis Suppurativa (referred to from here on as HS) is defined as "a skin disease that most commonly affects areas bearing apocrine sweat glands or sebaceous glands, such as the underarms, under the breasts, inner thighs, groin and buttocks.^[1]

The non-contagious disease manifests as clusters of chronic abscesses, epidermoid cysts, sebaceous cysts, pilonidal cyst or multilocalised infections, which can be as large as baseballs or as small as a pea. Hidradenitis Suppurativa pain and depression can be difficult to manage.^[3]" (credit wikipedia) 

There can be many complications with HS that can be pretty frightening when you read about them.  One of my fears is the infection entering my bloodstream.  Some other complications (aside from the pea to baseball sized lumps) include open wounds that do not heal, tunneling under the skin, scars, etc.  

HS is considered a rare disease and because of that not much research into the disease has been done.  It is said to affect between 1-4% of the population (credit HS Institute).  

People who suffer from HS often experience and battle with depression, debilitating pain, social isolation, limited mobility, and anxiety.  

There is no cure for HS and the cause is unknown.  Though some people do go through periods of remission often times HS tends to get worse over time.  HS uses the   Hurley Grading System to differentiate between the 3 stages of HS.  (credit HS Institute)

Now that you know a little about HS, I'd like to tell you how it affects me.  Currently I am in late stage 2/early stage 3.  I don't know how things will develop as time goes on and am scared because of the things I have read saying that for a lot of people HS gets more severe over time.  Mine has progressed for sure.  I went without a diagnosis until by chance I changed doctors.  My regular doctor was off that day and I had to see the other doctor in the office.  That doctor lanced my arm and put a tube inside.  That day I decided to change to this doctor because he was a lot more understanding than my previous one.  It wasn't until my follow up appointment that he diagnosed me with HS.  It was good to have a name to what I had been suffering with but scary as I immediately went to google and read things I don't think I was ready to read.  

With HS being so unknown to many people, suffering with HS often makes me feel very isolated, misunderstood, lonely, anxious, and ashamed.  I am fortunate that as of right now my HS is mainly invisible to most people as I am able to cover it with clothing.  I hurt for those who have HS all over their bodies in places that you can't hide, I don't know if I will ever have that (and all I can do is hope) but I hurt for those that are dealing with that right now.  Of course people may think it strange that I wear a "top shirt" (as my son Riley says) over tank tops or dresses-it has been my way to cover myself.  Infact, I wore a tank top out in public for the first time in I don't know how long just this past weekend.  I was self conscious the entire time but I did it to try and ease myself into it as we weren't near home so no one knew me where we were.  I am in some kind of pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  That pain can range from irritating to pain so severe that I can't move my arms or legs without extreme pain-and some times not at all.  I live with this every day of my life and I fight through it every day of my life.  

I am a mother to two wonderful boys and a wife to my best friend in the world.  I do NOT let my HS get in the way of doing things with my children, having fun with them, going places with them.  I am very involved in their school and sports.  Though it gets hard at times I am so thankful to have such a wonderful husband that has helped me with my HS so much.  I can't even begin to write how much I love him for all he has done.  I know it can't be easy to live as a spouse to someone with HS.  He often hears me cry in pain, say "don't touch me here", or "I can't bend over right now-can you pick that up?" "I can't lift my arm-can you reach that?" He has cleaned my wounds, bandaged me up, held hot washcloths for me, carried things when I couldn't, reached things when I couldn't, taken breaks with me when it hurts to walk.  Not only that but he has never ONCE made me feel anything less than the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, even with my open wounds, bumps, and scars.  Not to mention that he does all of this while living with Epilepsy.  I think in a way that his Epilepsy and my HS has brought us closer together because we've had to care for each other in a way that is very personal.  My kids know about my HS and have been so great about it.  I don't know how I got so fortunate to have this family.  

What I wish that people would understand about my HS is that it is not contagious, it is not caused by bad hygiene, it hurts every day. To expand from a graphic someone made in one of my support communities:  I wish that people would understand that when I say I am tired, or I need a break, or I need to rest it is NOT because I am lazy.  When I am sad, or stressed, or full of anxiety it is NOT because I feel sorry for myself.  When I don't come to your party or want to hang out it is NOT because I don't like you.  All of these things are because I have a disease called HS and it rules my body-and while it may rule my body I do NOT let it rule my heart or my life because I may have HS but HS doesn't have me.

Yet again, I am extremely behind in updating here.  Why hasn't anyone yelled at me yet? Joking of course!  Well, a lot has happened since the last time I updated here.

I have a new nephew!!!  His is so cute!!!  His name is Nathan and Matthew and Riley just love him.  Matthew seems a lot more interested in him and Riley is more cautious.  I can't wait for them to teach him how to play baseball and how to fish!  There are going to be some really fun times ahead for the three of them!  I wish that we were able to see him more than we have been able to see him so far.  Hopefully that will change.

We got a puppy!  His name is Cullen and he is an English Cream Retriever.  For this "crazy cat lady" adjusting to a puppy has been an adventure for sure!  Cullen is very well behaved though he does do the usual puppy things of course.  He is smart and a quick learner.  The best thing is that because of Cullen I have started taking walks around the neighborhood which is really good for me and I hope to really get into it and try to feel more fit.  Cullen loves the boys and daddy but he is a mommy's boy for sure which I find hilarious since I  have always been the cat lady.  I think it's because I am the one with him the most..or maybe I just smell like food hahaha.

School is officially over and I am so happy to say that summer vacation is in full swing!  I love summer vacation.  I love having my kids home and I love being able to go places and do fun things with them.  They both did very well in school this year and I am so proud of them both! I really can't believe that I will have a fifth grader and a second grader come the end of August.  Crazy!

We are currently enjoying baseball season.  I look forward to baseball so much.  I love to watch them play!!!

Summer also brings fishing!!! Our favorite family activity!!!  I hope that we get to go a lot this summer!  Matthew and Riley were in a kid's fishing derby not too long ago and Riley won the casting contest for his age group! He was very proud!! I keep a record of all the fish we catch and I have been doing so since 2010.  So far this year Matthew is in the lead, I have competition!!

We have been lucky enough to attend two Pittsburgh Pirate games this season.  So exciting!! My baseball boys really loved it!!!  We had such a great time at both games!!  We went on kid's day Sunday both times and the boys got to run the bases after the game, what a thrill!!!

All in all it's shaping up to be a very busy but very fun summer! I hope that everyone else has a great summer as well!! I will try to be better about updating here..TRY being the key word :-)

summer, baseball, school, and fall-oh my!

I can't believe I haven't updated since July! 

We had a really great summer full of baseball and fishing!  Matthew and Riley both entered a youth fishing derby and had a blast.  Here is the trout Riley caught:

Matthew caught quite a few big fish that day, here he is with one of his catches of the day: a nice catfish!

One of the most fun things we did was go camping for the first time!!  With as outdoorsy as we are as a family I can't believe it's taken us this long to go camping.  It's definitely going to become a regular thing.  Matthew and Riley had such a great time and even this reformed indoor girl has to say-it was fun!  We went to Audra State Park in West Virginia. 

The park was absolutely beautiful.  I really can't wait to go back.  The boys had a great time swimming and climbing and just being boys!

We also spent a lot of time at Kennywood this summer.  Some of my favorite memories with our family are from Kennywood.  The sweetest thing that happened at Kennywood this summer was that I got to see just how protective Matthew is of Riley.  He would put his arm around him and hold him tight.  So sweet for a mother to see her sons love eachother like that.

One of the most exciting things that we did this summer was go to our first concert as a family! We went to see Big Time Rush!! It was such a good show! I remember how I felt when I got to see my favorite band in person and it was great to see their eyes light up when they saw their favorite band right infront of them!

This was Riley's face when the band first came out on stage!

Matthew and Daddy enjoying the show!

So, as you can see we had a very busy but very AWESOME summer! We made memories that I know we will always remember.

Now it's finally my favorite season-FALL!!! Fall means pumpkins, hayrides, Halloween, and Fall Ball! 

Both of the boys have started their Fall Ball seasons and they are doing great!  Matt is helping coach Riley's team and it has been great seeing him enjoy it so much.  I know that Riley really likes having Daddy coach just as much as Matt really likes doing it!

Matthew has had a great season so far! He's even recieved the game ball in two games so far! He was and is SO happy!  Here he is after getting the game ball last week

School is in full swing and infact, we just had Riley's open house tonight! Matthew's is coming up later on this week.  Here they are on the first day of school.  My 1st and 4th graders!

Tonight we got to go to Riley's open house.  I look forward to Open House every year.  I love going to see their classrooms and meeting their teachers.  This year the school is having two open houses-one for the lower grades and one for the higher grades.  So you know what that means?! TWO open houses for me! Woo hoo!  Here's my 3 favorite people waiting to go into open house tonight

Here's my first grader!!!!

Well, this has turned into a pretty big update! I really need to keep up on this better.  Hope you're all still out there ready-I promise to check in more often!  In closing-here's to a Fall that is filled with as much fun and as many memories as this summer!

 

Summer Fun and Baseball

It's hard to believe I haven't updated this since January! There are many times that I have wanted to sit down and write and have felt like no one reads this anyway so what's the big deal if I don't get to it. Well, the big deal is that I love to write and it shouldn't matter if anyone reads this or not (even though it still does) but I'm doing it anyway.

A lot has happened since the last time I updated back in January. Matthew and Riley are both done with school for the summer. I can't tell you how nice it has been to not have homework assignments due and fundraisers to keep up with. I really enjoy their school and I like to think I'm pretty active with everything but it is really nice to take a break for the summer and just be with my kids. Riley had a lot of fun this year in kindergarten, which is now full day, that's a huge change from when Matthew went just a few years ago. Riley made a lot of friends and he liked to come home and tell me all about them. He brought home wonderful pieces of his artwork and his reading and spelling skills are very good. Matthew had a great year in 3rd grade and at the end of the year he even brought home the super speller award for making 100% in spelling every single 9 weeks. Matthew also won first place in an art contest in the photography category. He was even awarded money! I think they both learned a lot this year and are well prepared for 1st and 4th grade.

 The main reason I haven't had much time to update is because of baseball. We're always either playing baseball or practicing for baseball. Matthew can't drive by the baseball field without asking to practice. I love that he wants to practice and improve and work hard. I love that he loves the sport so much. This year was Riley's last year of t ball and he is finally ready to move up to 8U baseball this fall! He can't wait! He has been wanting to move up for some time now and be like his big brother :-). It was kind of bittersweet when Riley's season ended. I knew it was the last time we'd be "t ball parents" and we were now officially "baseball parents." I am happy for him that he's doing so well and so excited to be moving up. This season in baseball and t ball was a season of firsts for the boys. After spending the last 5 years with one of my kids in t ball-FINALLY one of my kids was on the purple team. I think we all know that I'm a tad obsessed with the color purple so I was really happy haha. Riley was on the purple team and I really think he enjoyed every minute of this season. His coach was the nicest guy and really encouraging. Riley didn't use the tee this year, his coach would pitch to him to get him ready to move up to 8U. He had some really nice hits! I'm very proud of my Riley. Matthew was on the 10U team for the first time. He did play 10U for fall ball, but this was his first spring season in the 10U league. The big difference in 10U is that it is kid pitch instead of coach pitch. I am so proud of Matthew for the way he played this season, but more importantly than the way he played I am proud of him for the way he behaved. This season Matthew showed me yet again that while sometimes his emotions are hard to figure out as he is quiet and introspective like his father-when you get to see his heart..wow. Matthew never gave up this season, he kept trying and kept learning and kept going, all because he loves the game. A huge first for Matthew this season was that he started pitching! It was really exciting to watch!
I love watching my sons play a sport that they both really enjoy. I love being a baseball mom :-).